Nursing for Comfort

Remember that this is unedited text -- like "letters to the editor." Identifying information, such as names, has been removed; but otherwise it is posted here pretty much as it came in. So read it as personal opinion shared with warm intentions but without authority of any kind.

Nursing my son for comfort was a wonderful, peaceful time for us. I didn't think about it, just held him close & let nature do the rest. About a year ago he weaned completely. However, the physical closeness we shared whenever he was upset or hurt or a thousand other emotions, continues to this day.

I am still nursing my 21 month old son and am often asked by others if I worry about him associating food with comfort. My answer is a definite NO. As my son gets older it becomes increasingly obvious that he nurses in different ways for different situations. When he is hungry he nurses like he means it; he nurses strong through my letdown and then wants to switch sides. When he nurses for comfort his suck is different; he cuddles more and even pulls away during the strong flow of a let down. This is as obvious to me as the times that fiddles around and lounges as he nurses out of boredom. This proves to me that it is not really the food that is comforting him but the physical contact. When he needs comfort he asks to nurse--he doesn't ask for food.

I feel that nursing for comfort is a very big part and important part of "why" an older child will continue to nurse. My son who is 3.6 years of age, has a very definite need for this form of nursing. I can usually tell right away from his mood, the way he asks to nurse, and perhaps the look on his face, if this request to nurse is for food reasons or comforting. His suck is definitely different, the matter of urgency is different, he will cuddle in, take the nipple, and begin a leisurely form of nursing. His eyes will close, then open, look up into my face, he may pause, pull off and ask me a question, say things like, "I love you Mommie". When this happens, my heart really, really melts!!! So to me, comfort nursing is something that we both can, and do look forward to.

A friend of mine had a great statement on the topic of bad comfort/food associations: the child is learning to go to a person for comfort, not going to food for comfort. After all, the child is nursing for comfort, not food, that's the whole point. I personally think food should be comforting. And it is most comforting when part of a social ritual. Nursing is clearly better than handing a kid a cookie and telling him to go play. It's more like sitting down to a cup of tea with a sympathetic friend.

Once, when my toddler got hurt or upset by something, I took her to my breast as a way to soothe her. (Actually, I did this often. But on this occasion, I was in the company of family! LOOK OUT!) My sister-in-law, who had also been a breastfeeder, pointed out that the connection between food and handling upsets was not necessarily a good one. She has eating issues, as do most of us, and worried that it was a bad habit to start. While I would never have given my daughter a cookie to comfort her (and still don't), I didn't think twice about nursing her in such a situation. Until my sister-in-law's comment. -- I am currently reading "Reviving Ophelia" and have also looked at the food/emotion connection in my own life...looking to food for nurturing I never got as a child. So, I am painfully aware of what is happening to our girls and women regarding eating disorders. I wonder if maybe my sister-in-law had a point. I want discount it, but it deserves some consideration. -- Other than that, I was a confident and usually happy nursing Mom for 21 months.

I too have a long history of difficulties in this area [eating for comfort].
   1) Of course the best thing you can do for you daughter is "heal yourself" (Easy advice -- difficult to practice)
    2) I think nursing to comfort is fine, and especially do it when I'm not "up" to giving of myself. My husband calls this kind of nursing a "whine cooler"
   3) I also think that people of all ages get a tremendous amount of healing from "crying" or "raging" out their feelings IN THE PRESENCE of one or more CONSENTING adults. When the conditions are right my son and I can go for 5 to 45 minutes of "emotional discharge". Afterwards he will fall into a deep sleep or turn his attention outward and return to play with thoughtfulness, grace, and good-humor. These times have touched me deeply. My son has often had great emotional "growth-spurts" after these rocky times. Of course, since we were treated very differently as children, it is often difficult to stay lovingly close to an emotional child. (See point #1)