Input From Readers

Input From Readers

Frequent nursing and clinginess

Remember that this is unedited text -- like "letters to the editor." Identifying information, such as names, has been removed; but otherwise it is posted here pretty much as it came in. So read it as personal opinion shared with warm intentions but without authority of any kind.

When my son was a newborn, my mother would chastise me for holding him all the time. "You're going to spoil that baby. He'll get used to that and will want you to hold him all the time." From my mother-in-law, "You're teaching him that you will pick him up every time he cries!" As if that were a bad thing.

As my son grows through toddlerhood, he still nurses frequently and I don't see him weaning in the near future. Sometimes I feel put on the defensive, but my goodness. Our children NEED to know that they can depend on us. The world is very complicated. If kids can't turn to their parents when they can't cope on their own, who or what will they turn to? I don't understand the common attitude that children are supposed to be independent so soon, yet "under control." It can't be both ways. I would prefer for my child to learn INTERdependence and be able to use self control. Of course there is more to good parenting than continued breastfeeding, but it seems to me that nursing my son until he is ready to stop is a good start.

Reading and re-reading The Continuum Concept makes me want to hear about how these concepts mesh and/or don't mesh. I wonder if my child's nursing patterns (I have a 2 1/2 yr old and a 3 month old--it is the older I am speaking of) would be very different if we were in a "tribe" -- but the isolation involved in modern life makes her turn to nursing and mommy more than I feel would naturally happen, were we part of a primitive tribe or closeknit community. I long for more of a sense of community with other mothers and closeness for my children to really be a part of other family/ies lives.

One mother writes that her two year old is hardly ever clingy when someone is paying attention to her. "For example, when we are visiting grandma, she can go long periods of time without asking to nurse. If I am at home with her and am on the computer too much, she will come over and insist on nursing. She will continue coming back (often!!) until I get off the computer and give her the attention she deserves."

Frequent nursing: I'd love you to get quantitative about that. ... Especially when my son first learned to use the word - It seemed like he was thrilled to have cracked the code and wanted to try the trick 10 times an hour. Of course that only lasted a few weeks, but I do wonder if the length of his nursing is typical. He could stay on all evening. During his tough days, he will nurse off to sleep, and then rouse himself whenever I try to withdraw the nipple. Especially when he has a cold or is teething, he will sleep for as long as I lie there, but wake up within 10 minutes of me "successfully" sneaking out of bed. I pictured nursing an older baby at quick pit stops!

I would rather think of the word "Clinginess" in a nursing child, to mean love and closeness. My little boy does cling to me or around me at times. The reason being, he either needs to nurse, or just feels secure being around me. Some would think this as being a little unhealthy, too much reliance on mommie. But I would rather look at it, as a chance for us to share our feelings with one-another. My explanation to him perhaps, why we cannot nurse at that very moment, his learning that not always will nursing come first. In between all of this may be a "hug", a word of assurance that we will nurse soon, etc..I'm not so sure I'd want him to stop being clingy towards me at different times...   I think at this stage of the game...when one continues to nurse an older child, comfort nursing takes on a bigger role in our everyday nursing relationship. In today's society, nursing an older child just cannot be understood by the majority, and if you ever tried to mention "Comfort Nursing", well, I'm sure you're aware of the looks one would receive. It is such a shame that not more is written, or explained about this part of nursing. You most certainly did more to develop the reason(s) for nursing older children with your first book. Kathy Detweiller has made tremendous in-roads for us.

Read two letters from mothers of high need, allergic toddlers.

My son is nearly 2 1/2, and has always been a frequent nurser. From infancy to age 2, his usual nursing interval was 20 minutes. In the last 4 months, that interval has expanded to once every hour, and occasionally once every 2 hours. He has lived a great deal of his life in the sling, as he needs to be held a lot. He is reserved around other people, and needs his personal boundaries respected in order to be comfortable in their presence. When he feels safe, he radiates with an inward happiness. He is very focused in play, and is very exuberant in expressing his love. I have not questioned his need to nurse so frequently, as his requests to nurse are so soulful, and sometimes very urgent. I attribute the frequent nursing to his "high need" personality. However, there are times when he really clings to me and nursing. It usually happens when we need to run errands, or when I just want to get out of the house for awhile. He even turns down his favorite activities (the park, going for a walk or bike ride) and urgently says, "nurney!" (his word for nursing) So I nurse him, and when he's through, I try to initiate the outing again. The process repeats itself. Trying to help him disengage from the house or his activity is met with further resistance. I get very frustrated, especially when I really need to get to the grocery store, etc. My skin crawls as I nurse him. He probably senses my feelings, which probably makes things worse. Usually, I then collect our things, and put a very unhappy boy in the car seat, hug him as he sobs, and tell him we'll nurse when we get there. Then he can usually let go of me till we get to our destination. Once I let the nurse-and nurse-and nurse again cycle go on, to see how long it would last. I stopped it after an hour. Do you, Norma Jane, or anyone else have insight into this?
This same mother wrote a few weeks later with some new insights of her own.

A mother writes with the opposite concern:   I've been looking for information about toddler nursing strikes -- did find one page by a mother whose 20 month old struck for 40 days! We are 72 hours into our strike and it has been awful. Pressure from extended family members to just wean him (and his 4 year old sister) have been mounting. I don't know if this topic is relevant to your book but the info available to me (Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding Answer Book) discusses the problem with much younger babies.   An update:Thanks for your note. After 10 days, my toddler decided to start nursing again. We are very thankful. Nothing like having a non-nursing toddler for ten days to remind me about all the benefits of nursing a toddler! . . . . I'm still not sure why my son decided to start nursing again. I had pretty much resigned myself to him weaning early but am very glad things turned out otherwise.

See La Leche League International's Toddler Tips: High Need Toddlers.