Talking with family and friends

Dialoguing with friends, relatives, or strangers who question or challenge a mom regarding her nursing status: I can't tell you how many time we refer to that section in your book especially around the holidays when extended family is often around.

Another topic that I would really like to see addressed is the interaction of societal pressure against nursing and mothers desires not to have a nursing toddler. . .. I have worked with many moms of nursing toddlers and as they become older there is less support, and thus the urgency to wean gets greater.

We have a few relatives that disagree with our nursing status. One of my aunts worries, "what effect this will have on your toddler." Whenever I am questioned about our choice of extended nursing, I try to inform the person how this has naturally evolved. I find that because it is so unusual to tandem nurse, that most just need to be informed that it is possible to do -- and is safe. I usually empathize and remark that I did not plan to do this. If someone had told me 10 years ago, I would be breastfeeding a 15-month-old and a 3-year-old, I would have told them they were out of their minds!

My family and my husband's family are all bottlefeeders so it has been a challenge for us and for them, too. I recently had a talk with my mother-in-law about my son's continued nursing. I explained that I simply cannot get beyond the fact that we are mammals. Nature designed us to nurse our offspring. I cannot believe that a human baby or child is better off with cow's milk (which has been pasteurized, growth hormonized, and antibioticized) than human milk. . . .

I explained that I really was not continuing to nurse to "be weird" or to "be radical" but simply because I truly feel it is the best thing. She said, "I know." She seemed very understanding about it and I hope that she will continue to be. It is a credit to her because decades of cultural attitude are so hard to change. The experience left me feeling very optimistic about the future of breastfeeding in our culture.

A useful response to family and friends' questions: "So that's what they're for."

What to say in response to "Are you still nursing?" "No, I stopped quit awhile ago, but my son/daughter is."

Depends on who it is. The best response I've heard to the "how long" question is, "oh, about another five minutes or so".

Most of my family by now knows all the benefits we share through breastfeeding. My husband has been a wonderful advocate for me with his family. For him, the proof was in observing our children as they grew and developed, and comparing doctor visit stories with other parents.

For me, the hardest part is dealing with my best friend. She weaned her firstborn at two weeks, and refused to even start her second. Although she is like a sister, and I love her dearly, we have chosen different parenting paths. I may not agree with hers, but I respect her. I just wish she would grant me the same courtesy, instead of suppressing a groan when I mention my toddlers' crawling into bed with me and the one still breastfeeding happily latching on as all of us get a little extra sleep after mom had a rough night. Some days, I want to tell her she would not have these overly clingy children if she would just put their needs first while they are foremost. Nor would she spend half the time with one or the other in doctor's offices if she had breastfed. Not to mention the money she would save or the health benefits to her of extended nursing. But, that would add fuel to the fire, so I refrain.

I attended my Nana's 80th birthday celebration when my first daughter was about 16 months old. As we were sitting center stage in the retirement complex's dining room, Hannah loudly indicated her desire to nursy. Looking around, I asked Nana if it would be ok to nurse at the table. Her response was wonderful! "Of course she can nurse. Everyone else is eating, the baby should too... it IS a dining room! And its MY party!" This from a woman who's only child, my mother, was adopted and never breastfed!

I am totally committed to baby led weaning but it seems as each birthday comes around there are fresh attacks from concerned family members. I told them on my son's first birthday, when asked about weaning, "Why is tomorrow any different from today? Does he need or enjoy breastfeeding any less?" Your book really helps me feel supported in my breastfeeding.

At times I feel very alone when it comes to this topic. I don't know of anyone personally "still" nursing a child as "old" as mine. She enjoyed nursing as a baby, a toddler, and now a preschooler. I remember searching for any information regarding extended nursing when I suspected she was nowhere near weaning herself when I was expecting my third child. No luck! To most people, extended nursing means past the age of one or maybe two/depending on how small the child is!

I am practicing TRUE child-led weaning with my daughter, she is now five years old. I don't think she'll be nursing for many more years! I will always treasure these last five years I've shared myself with her. She taught me how to love without expectations.

In the book, you talk about how it is usually fairly easy to keep nurslings of this age from nursing in public. But what if you don't want to? Some of the time that my son wants to nurse in public I put him off, saying it's not convient right then and I'll nurse him a little later (which I do at home too sometimes) and some of the time I nurse him. I think that telling him that he can't nurse in public would be sending him the wrong message about what nursing is like. My husband is quite supportive of this idea; in fact, I think he feels even more strongly about it than I do! He says that telling our son that would be telling him that nursing at four is something to be ashamed of, instead of a natural thing to do if he wants to.

I agree that nurslings of this age don't seem to want to nurse in public that often, but I think that those of us who do it need some more reassurance, since it is a difficult thing to do. Difficult in that I worry what other people will think, while I try to meet my son's needs as best as I can.

Although in general I love the Nursing Toddler book, the beginning gives me nightmares. When I nurse my son in public, I know that most people around have never seen a four-year-old nurse. When I try to imagine what they are thinking, the first page of MYNT comes into my head in waves: "first saw a walking child nurse, I was horrified . . . obscenity . . . lack of good parental management . . . weird perversion." No one has ever said anything like that to me. But I wonder if they are thinking it, because I know some people can think it, because you thought it.

I found myself saying "I am still nursing". Then I realized that the "still" had negative implications. Even if said to myself, I felt like it was making me second guess my decision to nurse. Now, I say "yes, I am nursing", with my head up and a smile on my face. It seems to come out more confident and that goes a long way toward other people accepting it.

When I get a negative comment about my not-quite-two-year-old nursing, I reply, "Nursing is very important to both of us, and we both enjoy it. I see no reason to wean, which would make both of us unhappy, because someone else is uncomfortable with the idea of a toddler nursing." This is said gently or with force depending on (a) who the listener is (I'm more respectful with my mom than the stranger at the mall :) ); and (b) how stupid the original comment was.

The best phrase I read online was: "My daughter will be going to a local community college so she can come home for lunch!!" I told my mother (who was pushing a bottle CONSTANTLY) that I would only wean her if her children got upset, or that I'd wean her in time for her wedding!

I wanted to say: "So they won't suck on cigarettes, like you." "So they will be smart, not dumb, like you." But I didn't. "That's what recess is for." "His wife is next." "He/she is not ready." "I'm not ready." "What nursing?" (best said while the child is at the breast as though you hadn't noticed.)

A pediatrician at my clinic commented on how close my 18 month old (at the time) and I were. He went on to say that I may want to distance myself from him and put him in daycare, or some other type of program. Being used to such comments, I sometimes ignore them. I translated what he said to "you and your baby love each other too much. That must stop." How is being away from his mother good for him?

Just yesterday I called around to four different maternity stores for the particular brand of nursing bra I like. One that is about 20 miles from my house carried them so I raced over there. When I arrive I tell the clerk what I need and she says "How old is your son?", I say "Two", she says "Isn't he a little to old for that?" Meanwhile she hands me the bras to try on. While in the fitting room I overheard her comment to the other employee how 'disgusting' that is that I am still nursing my little boy. My goodness, he is still a baby in so many ways, I couldn't take this comfort and nourishment away now...it would be cruel.

I am happy to respond to your reply to my letter, which addressed some issues which are still difficult for me. I have to admit that I have become somewhat of a "closet nurser," reluctant to reveal to my colleagues that I continue to nurse my now two-year-old daughter. When the subject has been discussed, I usually defensively state I am not aware of any research which has shown that long term nursing has a negative impact on a child's emotional development. In addition, I tell people that my daughter is advanced in her cognitive development (since 18 months she has been speaking in full sentences; can count to ten; and is able to identify all letters of the alphabet as well as many shapes and colors). I also respond quite defensively when I admit to colleagues that my daughter does not sleep through the night, and I have never attempted to [force her to sleep through the night]. I state that because I am away from her for so many hours during the day, I feel I need to be available whenever she needs me throughout the night. I also state that I just don't feel comfortable letting her cry for a long period of time, which I imagine would be the case if I did not go to her during the middle of the night. I often ask others if they have read Dr. William Sears' book, Nighttime Parenting, which advocates an approach which is very different . . . . If you have any suggestions on other ways I can respond to colleagues, I would love to hear them.

See La Leche League International’s Toddler Tips: Criticism from Relatives.